my soul is longing for you

UGHHHHHHHH. This is going to be very depressing. I just hate those days when NOTHING makes you happy. (I know why). But I just hate that I can't do anything other than it to find my joy. It is like I am hopeless. In a pit of hopelessness. Hopelessly devoted, hopelessly romantic, hopelessly lost, hopelessly unhappy. I hate being tied to this lifestyle of repetition. My heart burns in anger with myself mostly. Why is it that I cannot be satisfied with nothing I have? I always want more. The pain is there. The desire is behind the pain. I cannot overcome this and move on without recieving the priceless gift of love and I cannot recieve the priceless gift of love without overcoming it. Until this is behind me nothing will work.

Tears that hit my pillowcase will not equal the amount of blood you shed for me.
The day continues and I lay in my bitterness, waiting for the day...
The day when I can wake up and want to live my life as it is.
The day when the season of winter brings the joy I once found and ALWAYS dream of.
I fear it in my heart.
I know it can only be right with and through you.
The first drop of the snowflake brings a magical miracle.
The stillness is what I long for with you.
Why can't it just be us in this world of pain?
The bliss in sharing the first moment with you.
Every fiber of my soul awaits the moment when it is full in you.
Can it be possible to not be full in you?
Who would dream of such pain?
The explaination of love has no proof in my heart.
Pull me up, fiercfully so I can see you
Make my heart raw and my spirit weak so I know this is where I need to rest
Give me the peace that I am searching for.
As you hold my hand and lead me on give me patience.
As the sun is shining on my face awaking my rotting heart,
answer my everfast run with your arms and embrace.

No one, no conversation seems to do it. He is having a bible for college and dreaming of winter. Fearing the pain of life without me. You deserve the love that does love. The friendship that does befriend and the soul that does respond to a calling God. Without it the quiet moments in life are loud and the moments of joy are full of deep sorrow. Refresh my heart and mind that I might refresh this.

Its a broken heart your giving for Life

So some things have changed... BUT Holly and I need to talk before I write too much on blog. Still this situation is in DIRE need of prayer. Pray for Justin too, A LOT.
Thanks :)

Can time heal all hearts and all wounds?

*If I sent you a link to this blog, Holly and (and Justin) I need prayer, BADLY. If you have the time please read through this. If not just PRAY!

wow. So did I know something was up or did I know something was up? They ended their relationship. I was close to crying. I don't know why. I think mainly I feared that Holly got the wrong impression and is now turning this "unhappy ending" out on me. Or in my eyes, she is blaming me. Maybe the best thing is to stop writing this and just talk to her, but right now... I just can't. Not to point fingers (THEN DON'T!) but she didn't talk to me either about this. She is writing a facebook "note" hoping I see it and figure it out. But I can't pretend not to see it, because I know she will figure that I will know they ended it (no doubt in my mind that she was betting I was going to sing praises). I don't know if she knows about this blogspot of mine. See, facebook notes, when you are done writing them... tells the world that you wrote something and sometimes that is a good thing but sometimes it STINKS like a baby's diaper! Especially in this situation when I just need to let it out with my friends and get any kind of prayer, advice that I can recieve without bringing in the source of this fiasco.
I am just going to copy her note here for people who aren't her friends on facebook to see. She obviously wrote this with the intention of others seeing it. I am not trying to take away her privacy. So basically. What you read, I don't want her to know you read (if she doesn't know you and you aren't her friend on facebook). I just need prayer and I want my close friends to help me understand what is going on. I want to do the right thing, but I am unsure of what that is in this situation. (SIDENOTE: The entry from yesterday- the one before this one- was the night she wrote the note). UGh I don't want people to get the wrong idea here, with me posting this. I HATE DRAMA.
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*I did the bolding to get your attention... she did notI'm not so sure home is a place you can still get to by train.ShareYesterday at 3:46amI keep telling myself I am not alone. I KNOW I am not, no matter how much life tries to prove it otherwise. God is my strength and solace. As Jon Foreman puts it "Don't trust anyone at allNot your best friend or even your wife... Look, your enemies arrive,right in the room of your very household". I learn this lesson over and over again. We are all alone. And in that way, I think we can be united.How miserable i amI feel like a fruit-pickerWho arrived hereAfter the harvestThere's nothing here at allNothing at all hereThat could placate my hungerThe godly people are all goneThere's not one honest soul left aliveHere on the planetWe're all murderers and thievesSetting traps here for even our brothersAnd both of our hands are equally skilledAt doing evil, equally skilledAt bribing the judges, equally skilledAt perverting justiceBoth of our handsBoth of our handsThe day of justice comesAnd is even now swiftly arrivingDon't trust anyone at allNot your best friend or even your wifeFor the son hates the fatherThe daughter despises even her motherLook, your enemies arriveRight in the room of your very householdAnd both of their hands are equally skilledAt doing evil, equally skilledAt bribing the judges, equally skilledAt perverting justiceBoth of their handsBoth of their handsNo, don't gloat over meThough i fall, though i fallI will rise againThough i sit here in darknessThe lord, the lord aloneHe will be my lightI will be patient as the lordPunishes me for the wrongs i've doneAgainst himAfter that, he'll take my caseBringing me to light and the justiceFor all i have sufferedAnd both of his handsAre equally skilledAt ruining evil, equally skilledAt judging the judges, equally skilledAdministering justiceBoth of his handsBoth of his handsAre equally skilledAt showing me mercy, equally skilledAt loving the loveless, equally skilledAdministering justiceBoth of his handsThe hands of men are evil. We will constantly hurt each other. It's human nature. God is bigger than that though. He is bigger than indifference, bigger than arguments, confusion, lies, bickering, and even heartbreak. We are skilled at ruining our lives as well as each others. God is even more skilled at knitting it all back together. I became a warrior of the Lord at 13. I will fight until my death. I know it sounds over-dramatic, but I am in this constant war and I will struggle for what is right and good until I die for the cause or until my God calls me home. I may have fought in battles that never should have taken place. I shied away from others that I should have given my all in. Some may feel that I fight now for unworthy causes. And yes, I feel like giving up. I am sick of constant turmoil. I don't know which way to turn, which blow to block first, which wound to attend to. They all hurt. I want nothing more to give in, pack up my life, and disappear. Tonight, I rest in my Lord. Tomorrow, the rage of war continues. I will not give in, even when it seems as if I have no other choice but to lay down and die. "I will dance, even if I'm the only one"Even though I feel as if I stand alone, God is there....even if He's the only one.--------------------------------------
So did anyone think that was referring to me. And that it was my fault this all went down. I am getting that from this note. The first quote by John Foreman... yeah, as she typed this I was sitting in the same room as her, just us.
"He is bigger than indifference, bigger than arguments, confusion, lies, bickering, and even heartbreak. We are skilled at ruining our lives as well as each others. "
"As Jon Foreman puts it "Don't trust anyone at allNot your best friend or even your wife... Look, your enemies arrive,right in the room of your very household""

What to do, oh Robyn, what to do.

I shouldn't dwell on her words, maybe. She could have written them in anger, but she wrote them, they are still up, and not marked private. I think she wanted me to see it and really think about how I fit into this note.

We need prayer.

I hate that a guy has come between us, especially a guy that I can't stand (working on the forgiving part still, give me time). Do I walk away? Do I brush this off? Can time heal all wounds? Can't the right just automatically win (whether or not that is me, just so we know what is the 'right' so we don't argue over that anymore)? The only reason I am still in this? Oh I will tell you...
Holly. She has been my best friend since birth. I promised her I would stand by her through whatever, so I am not going anywhere. I would go through hell and back again with her. She is my sister. But I HAVE pulled away from our relationship. Someone best described it to me as this "A mother finds out that her kid has a drinking problem. She still loves her child with all of their heart, but they are not going to continuing feeding a problem when they are well aware of its dangers. She doesn't support the problem (doesn't buy alcohol for him/her) but she does support her child. Through whatever they may face with this problem she is there for them." AMEN to that! The main difference with the "alcohol problem" and the "Holly problem" I was in her shoes. Justin has hurt me so much. (I think, as this thing continues and he keeps hindering Holly and my relationship I tend to over exaggerate how much he hurt me BUT I was really affected by him and his choices with my relationship with him). So I am having one foot, more like one toe, still in this situation in her life. Because I trust Justin as much as I trust a torn parachute to keep me from falling to my death. The tiny amount I trust him is in the fact that he did cause smiles to cross my face. so I know he is capable of making someone happy. But I don't trust him with my heart NOR my best friend's. So GO FIND SOMEONE ELSE THAT IS NOT IN MY LIFE!!!. I could go on all night with this situation that I in NO WAY volunteered for. The fact that he is still in my life (even through a person) disgusts me to my core.

So they broke up. I was hoping that if they did, it would be Justin's fault since he has an amazing record going in relationships. But I feel that this happened (from my point of view, remember I know nothing about Justin's say or side in this) because Holly spent more than two days with me and realized that when I said that as long as she is with him our relationship will not be how it was, she saw it and that I meant it. In a way she felt like "Robyn really isn't talking to me too much... I guess this is how it will be if I am with Justin... is that what I really want?" So she felt that she needed to choose between us. I didn't EVER want to make her do that. I did, however, want her to realize that I am not going to be walked over and YES I am going to stand up for my heart and my feelings. I have a gut feeling that this is going to be MY fault and she is going to resent me for making her lose the love of her life. BUT I didn't!

I just don't know. Pray for this situation please (if you even made it this far and if you did, THANK YOU! I really appreciate you taking the time and lifting this up in prayer.) The more prayers= the more smiling faces down the road.

Blue Elephants will march my soul along in this time of despair and pain.

Fall on your knees and praise His name forever

O Holy Night! The stars are brightly shining, It is the night of the dear Saviour's birth. Long lay the world in sin and error pining. Till He appeared and the Spirit felt its worth. A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices, For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn. Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices! O night divine, the night when Christ was born; O night, O Holy Night , O night divine! O night, O Holy Night , O night divine! Led by the light of faith serenely beaming, With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand. O'er the world a star is sweetly gleaming, Now come the wisemen from out of the Orient land. The King of kings lay thus lowly manger; In all our trials born to be our friends. He knows our need, our weakness is no stranger, Behold your King! Before him lowly bend! Behold your King! Before him lowly bend! Truly He taught us to love one another, His law is love and His gospel is peace. Chains he shall break, for the slave is our brother. And in his name all oppression shall cease. Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we, With all our hearts we praise His holy name. Christ is the Lord! Then ever, ever praise we, His power and glory ever more proclaim! His power and glory ever more proclaim!

My all time FAVORITE song. Year round. This song gives me chills. Wow.

On a crappier side of things:
Yeah i am falling behind in life. She was crying on the phone tonight. I don't want this to turn and then be thrown onto my shoulders because I stepped back for a reason. This specific person is completely written out of my life, no turning the tables. What he did was unimaginable. She, however is my sister and my best friend. I am not saying it was all his idea. I believe it was a mutual decision among them, but the pain is able to be overlooked when I love her so much. She was and still is my best friend and most importantly my sister. I do believe that she is happy with him, because I was in that position once too. I am considering it a PURE blessing to be standing where I am today and finding so much joy in the fact that I walked away from him. A wise and close friend of mine once told me "He is not good boyfriend material, only good friend material." Hmmm. Good advice to think about. But for the time, to save my own heart from the blender I can't be there for her at this time in her life. No matter how she interprets that action I cannot do anything about... but, yes, I am thinking of myself here. I know how much that guy can hurt me and I am not giving him even an inch of that space again. The real toss up is what is my place in the situation? That is where everything gets foggy and feelings hurt. If I completely don't say anything she feels like it is him or me. If I pretend like nothing is wrong I am hiding all the pain and anger I feel and really creating a deeper and messier wound for later. I have been through hell already, most of it with him. I don't want to go there. So, yes, I am being selfish but I am not choosing this, she is. AND since I love her, I am, in a way a part of it. Which frustrates the BAJESUS out of me! Why must I be so affected by this? Because she means that much to me. I really REALLY hate seeing her cry and be upset about this situation. I don't want her to feel like she has to choose but she needs to understand that I will NEVER EVER want anything to do with this kid. Bascially, to choose him, means a lot of her relationship with me will disappear because mentally and emotionally I just cannot handle it.

Other than that... I head back to Eastern tomorrow! I caught up a little with work but not the two major projects that NEEDED to be done. Now I need to read or ANGELA will kill me.

Fear only the unlived life....

MMMM

I just finished watching Tuck Everlasting, one of my FAVORITE movies. It is so powerful to me. The meaning and depth to it just makes me heart so joyful. I needed it after tonight and after this break. Stress, tears, pain, anxiety.... etc.

Some people, some mysteries, some people stay with you forever.

Angus Tuck: If there's one thing I've learned about people, it's that many will do anything, anything not to die. And they'll do anything to keep from living their life.
Angus Tuck: What we Tucks have, you can't call it living. We just... are. We're like rocks, stuck at the side of a stream.

- Sometimes I feel like that. A rock in the stream just stuck there while the water passes by. Then again i wouldn't want to be the water rushing past always with another destination but never getting there. That wouldn't be a life I would want at all.

It seemed to Winnie that the Tucks lived in a way the rest of the world had forgotten. They where never in a hurry and did things the slow way. For the first time Winnie felt free to explore, to ask questions, to play.

until we are together again, wake up with the dawn...

Do not fear death, but rather the unlived life. You don't have to live forever. You just have to live. And she did.

Hoping the world falls with me

So Maggie Anne Stewart is in JOHNSTOWN! So I can def see her tomorrow around both of our families thanksgiving meals. I AM SO EXCITED. I really need this. I really need some sleep too and to catch up on my work. Goodnight.

Will turkey and stuffing fill this hole in my heart?

I made it home for Thanksgivingbreak. We hit some serious snow right after we got off the turnpike. So that was intense. I missed snow and it was the good snow too, not the "snow" that we get out at school.

So I am thinking twice about this whole being home for thanksgiving thing. I really don't want to have to deal with this sister crap. I am mainly frustrated because it SHOULDN'T even BE MY PROBLEM. I was in my family issues class today with Dr. Bird, man... that is one professor that I will severely miss come next semester. A quote from one of his books:
"SOBs are randomly distributed throughout life, so one will always be in an arm's reach."

"Some of them just continue to linger in your life..."- Bird
"EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW...."ME hahaha I totally said that too.

Then we continued to talk about the issue of forgiving people who do not apologize or who never change their ways. This is something that isever present in my life and is popping up more and more all around me. Which is a good question. Seriously... just think about it. I guess it all depends on the situation. Do you need to continue being around the person? If so.... you need to pray a lot about it... you need to make a hard effort with God's strength and not your own to act in a Christian like manner. What if there was once love in that relationship and now, because of trust being shattered that love is really bruised. How do you continue that relationship? What is the answer?

I am really not wanting to be here. I am feeling depressed and I really don't want to have to deal with this Holly crap this Thanksgiving. We are sharing a bed. I am in my annoyed mood too and this SPAM space bar key that sticks definitely is not helping me keep the emotions under rap. Mara is freaking out because of some noise on the roof and is practically sitting on the laptop and trying to make me pet her. UGH! I am trying to get work done too but my parents keep trying to talk to me and I want to talk to them but I just can't be staisfied. What reallllllly stinks right now is that Greg is fully moved out. Well not fully but he isn't living here. So when Holly does get home I can't even go and talk to him. He isn't even here! I miss him a lot.